Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
we hurry home in gathering gloom
   through ice-covered narrow streets
   battling a raging snowstorm
   under skies full of winter -
holding hands, cold turning fingers numb
you see longing in my eyes and tell me
  one day, we'll walk here in the light

night, waking up... still lost in bad dreams
   listening to howling wind
   besieged by misty shadows
   falling back into nightmares -
drifting images slowly fade away
let me hold you closer as you tell me
   one day, we'll wake up in the light

i want to believe so much
that summer will come again
It is March and winter has returned... with snow, ice, and chilling cold... currently there's a snowstorm outside... I start to suspect that summer will never come this year.

My first attempt to write poetry in English (which I have a limited knowledge of), and the first time I post poetry in public. All help, feedback, suggestion, and criticism is more than welcome, especially regarding:
- Does the lack of punctuation / capitalisation fit the poem, or take away from it?
- Does it flow well, or should some parts be changed? I feel that the last two lines are the weak part of the poem. Is that so, and if yes, what is your suggestion?
Add a Comment:
Hello! Apologies for the wait on your Critique ^^;

Of the three you mentioned in your note, this one stood out to me the most; but that's probably my own bias for the colder seasons speaking, as all three were quite good.

A good rule (well, suggestion) of poetry was recently revealed to me in my creative writing class - the more specific you are, the more general it becomes. It explains a lot as to why I like some poetry and find others boring. Which is how I come to this; I like your descriptions of winter, but I do think it could use more detail. I think you know what you were going for, which is why I rated you highly on vision, but lower on technique and impact.

Basically, little things can make a poem real. The numbed fingers for example - that's a really good touch. That puts us eye to eye with the characters. We know what numbed fingers feel like and we can sympathize. Poetry thrives on imagery and description :D

I like the small touch of repetition - the light theme reinforces the darkness of winter, but while still giving the season credit for it's own harsh beauty :D Or that's my bias talking again :XD:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

Astrikos Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2012   General Artist
Dang that's one powerful piece! The words are so deep and thoughtful. Yet re intricately laced into something as beautiful and unforgiving as the winter season itself.


I makin a poem out of a comment.

Truly beautiful and stirring. Really touches the emotions

This is really beautiful and nicely done

Haha I did my own winter poem as a journal. ^.^. Yay!
helice93 Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for the comment! :)
Astrikos Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2012   General Artist

3wyl Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I feel as if you've got some words you don't necessarily need.. like you could get rid of "the" in the first line, perhaps, to make that line sound more poetic overall.

see the longing in my eyes and tell me

That line is a bit abrupt in its introduction. I feel as if there should be a "you" at the beginning or something that should smooth the transition over, if that makes sense?

Likewise, you don't need 'the' there.

Perhaps you could rephrase a few things like the first line of the second stanza.. have it:

night, waking up... still lost in bad dreams

I would suggest for you to utilise different punctuation marks and other effects like the ellipses there. The structure is cool, though. :nod:

I don't really feel 'bad' is necessary there, either.. you could leave that out because you emphasise it with 'nightmares' that follows on.

images are drifting, then they fade away

I see that as quite a bit of mouthful to say... like I feel it would be better if it was "images drift, then fade away".

You could use parenthesis to make things more interesting/experimental like:

let me hold you (closer) as you tell me

I like the lack of punctuation, or the lack of capitalisation... though I feel that you could use capitalisation to more profound effect here. The flow is good and I really like the ending, actually, as I feel the simplicity makes it even more profound overall.

What I feel you could improve on is the diction as it is quite simple. Sure, the ending is simple as well, but I feel that you could have used other words at the beginning and then that would have made a greater contrast overall.

That is just me, though, and yeah, these are just some thoughts. ^^;
helice93 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the detailed comment, and for taking your time to read my work. :hug:

I've incorporated several of the changes you suggested - indeed, it is much better. I made some other small edits as well, to make the poem "cleaner", or with a better flow. I feel there are still many things that can be improved, I expect to return to it from time to time.
3wyl Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Awesome! :la:

Hmm.. Well, there are some major parts, I suppose, but it calls for your own intuition I guess, and where you want to go with this? =/
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011   Writer
Beautiful. Where we are, we're waiting for a proper summer; it's been unseasonably cold.

I dread winter and wait for summer, as well.
helice93 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for your comment.

I admire your work, and I'm honoured that you like what I wrote. :hug:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011   Writer
Thanks, and my pleasure. :)
BeaBae Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2011  Student General Artist
This is actually very good for your first poem in English. The lack of punctuation didn't detract from the poetry but you will always want to be careful about taking punctuation out, especially if your lines go any longer than this. The repitition of "one day, we'll ___ in the light" worked very well with explaining the darkness of winter.

Your descriptions were very good, too. I like the simple language and as you improve your English, please don't start using larger words for the sake of it. This works very well as it is.

The last lines (i want to believe so much/that summer will come again) are not weak. They're probably my favorite. They're very elegant and I don't think I've seen a better description of the feeling at the end of a long winter. It wraps the whole thing up very neatly.

The only thing I think you might change is in the first line, you call it "the gathering twilight" and in the rest of the poem, it mentions how dark it is. During twilight it's generally though of having a decent amount of light, so another word may suit better. It's just a very small personal nitpick, though. The poem will be beautiful whether you change it or not.

Please keep practicing your writing, this is very well done! :)
helice93 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks very much for your detailed and thoughtful comments. I am honoured, and glad to hear that I managed to create something worthy of appreciation. I've been practicing since, and posted newer work; still, I feel that this is my best written work up to date.

Yeah, I do find "twilight" a bit out of place, especially as "light" is already repeated several times in the poem. I changed it to "darkness", but I don't find it perfect even now... I'll think about it some more.

Thanks again. :)
BeaBae Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Student General Artist
You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. :)

Hmm... maybe 'gloom' would work? It means about the same thing as darkness, and it would add alliteration (words that start with the same letter) .

helice93 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Works. Thank you! :hug:
bluest-green Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011  Student General Artist
Really enjoyed this. :)
helice93 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, I'm glad. :hug:
justlittlemusings Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful.

'see the longing in my eyes and tell me
one day, we'll walk here in the light'

I love that so much.

You can write poetry in English, and I only wish I knew your language, because if you can write something like this in a foreign tongue, what you write in your own must be even more beautiful. <3
helice93 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks Sandy, for the comment and the fav. <3 I'm honoured; your appreciation means a lot to me.
AslanFan Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2011
!!!!! You wrote poetry! =D And it's lovely!

In all honesty, this is beautiful. Thank you so much for posting. The imagery is good and it gives me the idea of how hopeless and down winter can make one feel. Incorporating another person into it was nice as well.

Don't worry, spring and summer will be here. =) Winter can't keep its gates shut on them too much longer. x
helice93 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks Bramble, both for the comment and the encouragement. I'm so glad you like it. x
Add a Comment:

:iconhelice93: More from helice93

Featured in Collections

Amazing Literature by Starrose77

Literature by SugarHeartedGirl

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
March 3, 2011
File Size
751 bytes


10 (who?)